Identity Twerk

Today I'm sad.... To all who think they know me...i never am... And like any normal Human being...(gosh i hate normality)...... Ek het my dae...

Its quite a lovely thing to be truthful... don't worry angsazange ngayengwa... i just realise that a lot of people are dabbling in the art of double lives. I Call this an art as it requires meticulous precision and attention to detail in order to not be caught out...

For as long as i can remember, I've been a keen observer of Human behaviour and i always gave people the 'bentafit' of the doubt... even when my parents were warning me...  I remember once, i was watching some show and a guy named 'Phomola' was on there, guy had been in jail a couple of times and His mom was just fed up... she tried to help him but...hay kabi, rents often don't ask how to help...they just steamroll through ish in there way...mostly cause of their desperate need to help us...Any who... Guy told his story and i was in tears... Spoke about how he grew up in a hard way and how poverty stricken they were at home, he finished matric and looked for a job but found none...like most young mense, he had started drinking long before this and by now, one can imagine how it had worsened...

His mom was struggling raising him and a few other kids on her own.. so as the only man in the house he attempted to help his mom by joining some friends in what had become there employment.. yes it was a choice, a pretty bad one at that and he owned up to it... He served time and after a few years...when i say few, note...angsazange ngakhumbula...he came out with a better vision of what he wanted his life to be like... He wanted to start a car wash/ braai there by his kasi, drew up a business plan..took it to a youth dev centre and applied for funding... funding was granted and he went and got the jita's he was stealing with to come through and start over... jita's beat him up and took the money and left him in a stolen car.. and so the story went....what pains me is that immediately when he got help, via funding and therapy, it got so much for him and he couldn't believe it...so much so that he felt if he got disappointed this time it would kill him...he hung himself.

I don't remember crying so much for a guy I'd never met... but for me this touched me primarily because of the goals and visions he shared that nobody else knew.... people knew 'Phomola' the drunken thief.... and lets face it... double lives are tiresome...and most of us live them...

Its a fact that those people who can actually hide who they are around people have there reasons...however valid or daft.... but at some point it points me to something a friend said.... NO ONE IS A LIVING ISLAND BECAUSE WE ALL WANT TO BE ACCEPTED....we have friends/ acquaintances because we all want to be cared for.... to know that iemand at least spends a few seconds thinking about you... and because we like to talk....

and for that we find photocopies in the street...walking, talking, dressed and ready to be a copy if that is acceptances pay... Its quite sad how i didn't know what conforming was until Grade 8 when we read the road not taken... I realised that time that I'd rather take the road not even seen... because i refused to let myself get caught up in a blow by blow rendition of what others termed a normal person...

And of cause i did what everybody did at that time... tried my best to be different... so much so that at school i was one mens and at home i was a diffs person... ekerk angsakhulumi...i sketched something and called it dice face.... its quite self explanatory... it was like a dice but with different faces on each side.... whoever came from the left met the face and personality on the left and etc.... it was one thing, just like us, but was 3 dimensional....

I dare say that we all have gone through many phases before coming to know who we are...if we ever get there at all... and I'm not ruling it right of verkeerd i just realise that when those two ...or however many...people meet, and reach a consensus that they cant swap roles any longer.... you will feel tired... realise then that you will start questioning your existence and at that moment everything that could possibly go wrong...shall...most then resort to suicide.

others often resort to the devil attacking them...or joining things that promise to bring meaning into there lives... People are quite predictable hey... Learn to discipline yourself MOTHO..... Take responsibility for your thought processes and where they lead you.... there's no enemy attacking you...akhekho futsi,bantfu labansundu loniloyakho... ... It boils down to the decisions you took with whatever knowledge you had at the time...

Angikho lapho but its quite relevant to what I'm trying to bring across.... Stop living a dual life.... its tiring and confusing....life and its living give us a good enough run around as it is....never try and be a person rooted in something while your still finding yourself...quite interesting wording there, you cant exactly loose yourself... i digress...go through the motions, the phases and experience what you will.... but don't skip all that and be a conclusion your clearly not....

Its like a cake that sees one that's already baked and iced... however much it spreads icing on itself it'll always be outa shape ...oozing and dripping...and unbaked, nobody could ever eat from it...trying to be the baked cake in front of others....but being a premix before its fellow premixes, because they know who it is and what potential it holds.... that cake will never rise if you were to bake it, it would be crusty and all...and would probably be thrown away........

There is only one you....you know which it is when your around other people and cant be free to say whatever you want out of fear that they'll judge you... the person you try to be  before die mense is not you...

STOP TWEAKING THE REAL YOU FOR ELKE TOM, LIHLE AND JUMAIMA....DON'T FIGURE THAT THEY WONT ACCEPT YOU WITHOUT EVEN TRYING THEM.... VALUE YOU ENOUGH TO WEAR YOURSELF ELKE DAG.....

Speak out when its difficult...and let people help you.... we've gone through it...we conquered it....Stop saying one thing and doing the next...stop portraying one character... and being the contrary to others...stop living today as though you have one life in Amsterdam and one in SA...don't be afraid to be you, the one and only...nobody else can fill that posie...cliche i know..but so true..you are who you are for a reason...practise what you preach and improve what you tell others to...LIVE.

Find joy in yourself and be you...don't allow your identity to jiggle up and down to the worlds tune...NOBODY DOES YOU BETTER...

Consider it pure joy